Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Holidays

And finally holidays begin. Holidays, always long awaited and looked forward to. Not many of my vacations have been with a very well thought out agenda. Visiting places, meeting people, eating out, visiting familiar places of interest and joy is pretty much that I will ideally want to do during my time off. But its been different from some time now. While I still have been doing pretty much the same things in my recent holidays, there has been this evergrowing thought of doing things to may be address something remotely different. There are a whole bunch of thoughts that keep swarming the mind whenever I think about it. Educational pursuits, inner relaxation, which I dont know if anyone ever achieves, especially when I do not even know what that exactly means. Relaxation for the body is something that I understand and always hope that I can achieve. But these rush of thoughts about some impending task or emotion has not always allowed that to be.

I have been really looking forward to this time off as exhaustion has currently crossed all limits. As my dear friend from English August says, 'Mind is restless...O Krishna'. These words have become a permanent state of mind, and mind is a wild animal racing in directions and ways that I would not want it to go. Its not as if people around the world do not work or I am experiencing a unique situation, its just that now the situation has taken over my being in a very prominent manner. The mind is restless..O Krishna. I do not want to be restless. i guess that is what I seek to do in this time off. I guess this is why the anxiety exists as I do not know how to be in a state which is not restless. I know the reasons behind the physical sufferings of my body now and may be to a certain extent I also know the reasons behind the mental turbulence. What I do not know for sure is how do I make myself prepared and disciplined to face these issues.

I guess the basic character of a person has a great role to play in handling such issues. May be my hyperactive, somewhat eccentric nature is the biggest hurdle in addressing this state of restleness. And why am I writing today? Its because the rush of thoughts crossed a threshhold limit today and I believe this rush forced the idea of starting to write or otherwise these random obscure thoughts would have no outlet..no vent. This is not for any other purpose but only for the fact that I want my mind to feel a bit relaxed and I think that after a little over a page, this is not a bad idea. I anyways have, as far as I can remember had an observation, random thought or view on anything and everything. In other words..a restless mind.

As the rush of blood to the head probably slows a bit now and this music starts doing its trick, my physical restlessness eases up a bit momentarily. For no particular reason, I am reminded that water has always acted as a great healer for me. Let there be one thing clear about this writing. This is not for any other purpose, but only for it to act as a gateway for my randomness. Its so weird that a normal looking exterior can within itself brew such a bizzare streak of thoughts and emotions. Does the mind actually have the capacity to send signal of solutions to address a randomness that prevails the mind. I for one did not consciously think of straing to write today, no planning was done, but a sudden thought in the shower results into this, for which I am already thankful to almighty grey matter.

Water, for another example did not enter my mind in a planned or conscious way. I am starting to believe that similar to a defence mechanism for bodily ailments, the mind also senses the mental restlessness and hence signals automatic blurbs of possible solutions. May be this has always been the case with everyone, including myself. Why this is sounding different now is may be because I have never given much attention to this restlessness or may be because it has slowly gained predominance as a result of being ignored.

Relaxed..that is what all of us want to be, me being no exception. While nature, excursions and activities are a great way to relaxe, what does one do for the mind? May be to some extent it does relaxe, but it does not take more than a word, a second, a thought or even a remote dream to disturb the relaxed state. Not that I am a pessimist or that I am suffering seriously, its just that off late there has been a vacuum, that probably has been expanding constantly. May be the fulfillment of this vacuum holds the key to this restlesness. But may be not. This materialistic never ending pursuit will never let the restlesness settle. One thing is leading to another and I see no end to this chase till the end of my life. My life is no different to anyone else. I am not doing something that others have not already done or are not doing, but off late the thought of what exactly am I looking for or what is that I want badly has been criss crossing the mind.

I know that a lot of restless has to do with my inability to find an answer to this question. Random answers have been floating, which definitely seem to be aiming to fill this vacuum, this uncertainity. Educational pursuit, not for any career ambition, but for enrichment has been high on the mind and a few steps have been taken by me in that direction. But I feel so sorry that full justice has not been done to that step yet. I guess the job of the mind is to only show you that possible blurb of thought. At the end of the day, it takes great character, resilience and a lot of self discipline with commitment to realise that blurb of thought. That I believe is the marked difference between people and extra ordinary people. However just as a self boost, thats not been the case always. Certain blurbs have been achieved and thats what I aim to do in these holidays. Realise the blurbs. Do not ignore them.

Can blurbs be also called impulsive decisions. If time of decision is the criteria then may be yes. But actually what has forced these blurbs to surface is the turbulence in the mind. Mind's defence mechanism ensures that it is relaxed. That is what I would like to believe. May be once the blurb is offered, then you can put on your practical hat to decide whether you would want to do it? What needs to be seen is how effective these thoughts prove to be. Hope to find the answer for this by the time I go back.

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